068: Drawing the Line: Language, Empathy, and Boundaries

Last year, while facilitating a session with middle school teachers, I referred to a small group as “you guys.”

If you’re from the Philadelphia region, you know this word isn’t gendered in everyday use. It’s a common way to address a group of people, regardless of sex or gender.

But one of my core values when working with educators or students is this: everyone deserves to feel comfortable, valued, seen, and heard. I continue to work at aligning my language with that value, even in small everyday choices.

So when the word slipped out, I quickly followed up:
“Wow! That was genderist of me. I meant to say, ‘you folks will want to then…’”

Before I could continue, a teacher in the group responded:
“Where does this end? Everyone is so sensitive and gets offended at everything. I’m afraid even to speak sometimes. It’s exhausting.”

The comment sat heavily in the group. 

It is a tension many of us feel: the desire to speak freely and the responsibility to speak inclusively.

When Empathy Stretches Our Values

This moment reminded me of a question high school students once asked during a session on empathy:

“What if someone else’s perspective really stretches against your core values? When do you keep the friendship, and when do you let it go?”

It is a powerful question.

I told them about what I call my Black Magic Marker Sharpie line, the boundary I use when grappling with perspectives that differ from my own.

I am open to hearing other viewpoints.
I am even willing to sit with the discomfort of cognitive dissonance, knowing it is part of growth.
But there is a point where disagreement crosses into harm.

For me, the line I recall when grappling with these questions comes from James Baldwin:

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

That is where my Sharpie line is drawn. We can hold different opinions, but not when those opinions erase someone’s humanity.

The SEL Connection

These two experiences, the word “you guys” in a training and a student’s question about friendship, share the same thread.

SEL equips us to navigate the messy middle between empathy and boundaries.

• Self-awareness: Notice when your words or actions may cause harm, even unintentionally.
  
• Social awareness: Recognize that others carry different lived experiences, shaped by culture, identity, and history.
  
• Relationship skills: Listen and respond with humility, even when it feels uncomfortable.
  
• Responsible decision-making: Know when to lean in with compassion and when to draw a clear line for the sake of dignity and equity.
  

Why This Matters

Educators, leaders, and students alike face these tensions daily. The language we use, the boundaries we set, and the feedback we receive all shape the culture around us.

Inclusive language is not about exhaustion.
It is about respect. 

And boundaries are not about shutting people out.
They are about protecting what makes healthy relationships possible.

When we practice both compassion and clarity, we model the skills our students need most: how to engage with differences without losing themselves.

Reflection

• When have you caught yourself using language that did not align with your values? How did you respond?
  
• What is your own “Sharpie line,” the boundary you will not cross when it comes to relationships and perspectives?
  
• How can you help your students practice both empathy for others and integrity for themselves?
  

Because at the end of the day, growth does not come from avoiding discomfort. It comes from facing it and knowing where to draw the line.